NON VIOLENT=EQUALITY & RESPECT

VIOLENT=POWER & CONTROL

NON-THREATENING CARING BEHAVIOR

Talking and acting so that the other person feels safe and comfortable expressing him/herself and doing things.

INTIMIDATION

Making the other afraid by using looks, actions, gestures; smashing things, destroying property, abusing or harming  pets, displaying weapons, threatening another in any way.

RESPECT

Listening to the other non-judgmentally, being emotionally affirming and understanding, valuing opinions of the other, using tactfulness when discussing tender or volatile issues.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Putting the other down, abusing confidence and intimate information, attempting to make another person feel bad about him/herself, name-calling, playing mind games, ignoring, shaming, shunning or humiliating another person, devaluing, discarding, dismissing, withholding (silent treatment), countering (refuting or invalidating the other's statements or actions), discounting (putting down emotions, possessions, experiences, hopes and fears), sadistic and brutal humor, blocking (avoiding a meaningful exchange, diverting the conversation, changing the subject), lying, wounding "honesty."

TRUST AND SUPPORT

Support the other's goals in life; respect the other's right to his/her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions.

ISOLATION

Controlling what the other does, who he/she sees and talks to, what he/she reads, where he/she goes, limiting outside involvement, discounting (putting down emotions, possessions, experiences, hopes and fears), lying.

HONESTY AND ACCOUNTABILITY

Accepting responsibility for your self, acknowledging past use of hurtful behavior and changing that behavior, admitting being wrong, communicating openly and truthfully.

MINIMIZING, DENYING AND BLAMING

Making light of violent behavior and not taking the other's concerns about it seriously, saying the abuse didn't happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, accusing, saying the other caused it, countering (refuting or invalidating the other's statements or actions), discounting (putting down emotions, possessions, experiences, hopes and fears), sadistic and brutal humor, blocking (avoiding a meaningful exchange, diverting the conversation, changing the subject), denial, abusive anger.

NEGOTIATION AND FAIRNESS

Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict, accepting change, being willing to compromise.

COERCION AND THREATS

Making and/or carrying out threats to do something harmful to the other, threatening to abandon the other or to commit suicide or to report the other to authorities, making the other do illegal things, undermining and sabotaging.

ECONOMIC PARTNERSHIP

Making money decisions together, making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

ECONOMIC ABUSE

Preventing the other from getting or keeping a job, making the other ask for money, taking money from the other, not letting the other have access or knowledge of shared/family income.

SHARED RESPONSIBILITY

Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work, making appropriate shared/family decisions together, consult one another about every thing that affects both parties.

GENDER, POSITION OR OTHER PRIVILEGE

Treating the other like a servant, making all the big decisions, acting like the "head hauncho" or the "king" or "queen" of the castle, being the one to unilaterally define the roles, ordering around, control by proxy and ambient abuse.

RESPONSIBLE PARENTING

Sharing parental responsibility, being a positive non-violent role model for children.

USING CHILDREN

Making the other feel guilty about the children, using the children to relay messages, using visitation to harass the other, threatening to take the children away.