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reach with
compassion by
Tamara
Parisio
compassion is key
compassion as a tool for
managing behavior
adapted from Psychology Today article
Maryland
psychologist Steven Stosny, Ph.D., has developed a
remarkable and effective treatment program for
batterers. Even a year after treatment, an
astonishing 86 percent have ended the physical
abuse, and 73 percent have stopped the verbal and
emotional abuse. The national dropout rate for
battering programs is one out of two; Stosny's is
only one out of four.
His program is based on the idea that most batterers
can't sustain attachment, and because of this, they
become flooded with feelings of guilt, shame, and
abandonment, which they regulate with aggression. He
teaches a five-step technique called HEALS.
First,
is the concept of HEAL. Blame is powerless, but
compassion is true power, and has the ability to
heal.
Next,
EXPLAIN to yourself the core hurt that anger is
masking: feeling unimportant, disregarded. guilty,
devalued, rejected, powerless, and unlovable. All
abusive behavior is motivated by these core hurts.
Then
APPLY self-compassion. Let's say your wife calls you
a brainless twit, and you feel she doesn't love you.
You might want to punish her for reminding you that
you're unlovable. In this step, one replaces the
core feeling with self-compassion. "She feels
unloving, but she still loves me. My instinct might
be to call her a filthy wench, but she said what she
said because she's hurt and feeling bad."
Then
move into a feeling of LOVE, for yourself and for
the other.
And
finally, SOLVE the problem by presenting your true
position without blaming or attacking the other
person: you say, "I care about you, but I have a
problem with your calling me a brainless twit." Thus
healing core hurt through love rather than anger.
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