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warm fuzzies photo by
Pat Munsterman
anger
and children
Some good advice about children -
consider whether their behavior is
age-appropriate, and then address them
accordingly. Remember that
spanking or hitting a child teaches them
that hitting is a tool to be used to
control others.
Here is a
wonderful resource to download and share:
Helping Children Overcome the
Effects of Witnessing Domestic Violence.
Dealing with the Angry Child
Responding to the
Angry Child
The Role of
Discipline
Plain Talk
Series from www.familymanagement.com
Handling children's anger can be
puzzling, draining, and distressing for
adults. In fact, one of the major
problems in dealing with anger in
children is the angry feelings that are
often stirred up in us. It has been said
that we as parents, teachers,
counselors, and administrators need to
remind ourselves that we were not always
taught how to deal with anger as a fact
of life during our own childhood. We
were led to believe that to be angry was
to be bad, and we were often made to
feel guilty for expressing anger.
It
will be easier to deal with children's
anger if we get rid of this notion. Our
goal is not to repress or destroy angry
feelings in children-or in ourselves-but
rather to accept the feelings and to
help channel and direct them to
constructive ends.
Parents and teachers must allow children
to feel all their feelings. Adult skills
can then be directed toward showing
children acceptable ways of expressing
their feelings. Strong feelings cannot
be denied, and angry outbursts should
not always be viewed as a sign of
serious problems; they should be
recognized and treated with respect.
To respond effectively to overly
aggressive behavior in children we need
to have some ideas about what may have
triggered an outburst. Anger may be a
defense to avoid painful feelings; it
may be associated with failure, low
self-esteem, and feelings of isolation;
or it may be related to anxiety about
situations over which the child has no
control.
Angry defiance may also be associated
with feelings of dependency, and anger
may be associated with sadness and
depression. In childhood, anger and
sadness are very close to one another
and it is important to remember that
much of what an adult experiences as
sadness is expressed by a child as
anger.
Before we look at specific ways to
manage aggressive and angry outbursts,
several points should be highlighted:
We should distinguish between anger
and aggression. Anger is a temporary
emotional state caused by frustration;
aggression is often an attempt to hurt a
person or to destroy property.
Anger and aggression do not have to be
dirty words. In other words, in looking
at aggressive behavior in children, we
must be careful to distinguish between
behavior that indicates emotional
problems and behavior that is normal.
In dealing with angry children, our
actions should be motivated by the need
to protect and to teach, not by a desire
to punish. Parents and teachers should
show a child that they accept his or her
feelings, while suggesting other ways to
express the feelings. An adult might
say, for example, "Let me tell you what
some children would do in a situation
like this... It is not enough to tell
children what behaviors we find
unacceptable. We must teach them
acceptable ways of coping. Also, ways
must be found to communicate what we
expect of them. Contrary to popular
opinion, punishment is not the most
effective way to communicate to children
what we expect of them.
Responding to the
Angry Child
[top]
Some of the following suggestions for
dealing with the angry child were taken
from The Aggressive Child by Fritz Redl
and David Wineman. They should be
considered helpful ideas and not be seen
as a "bag of tricks."
Catch the child being good. Tell
the child what behaviors please you.
Respond to positive efforts and
reinforce good behavior. An observing
and sensitive parent will find countless
opportunities during the day to make
such comments as "I like the way you
come in for dinner without being
reminded"; "I appreciate your hanging up
your clothes even though you were in a
hurry to get out to play"; "You were
really patient while I was on the
phone"; "I'm glad you shared your snack
with your sister"; "I like the way
you're able to think of others"; and
"Thank you for telling the truth about
what really happened."
Similarly, teachers can positively
reinforce good behavior with
statement like "I know it was difficult
for you to wait your turn, and I'm
pleased that you could do it"; 'Thanks
for sitting in your seat quietly"; "You
were thoughtful in offering to help
Johnny with his spelling"; 'You worked
hard on that project, and I admire your
effort"
Deliberately ignore inappropriate
behavior that can be tolerated. This
doesn't mean that you should ignore the
child, just the behavior. The 'ignoring"
has to be planned and consistent. Even
though this behavior may be tolerated,
the child must recognize that it is
inappropriate.
Provide physical outlets and other
alternatives. It is important for
children to have opportunities for
physical exercise and movement, both at
home and at school.
Manipulate the surroundings.
Aggressive behavior can be encouraged by
placing children in tough, tempting
situations. We should try to plan the
surroundings so that certain things are
less apt to happen. Stop a "problem"
activity and substitute, temporarily, a
more desirable one. Sometimes rules and
regulations, as well as physical space,
may be too confining.
Use closeness and touching. Move
physically closer to the child to curb
his or her angry impulse. Young children
are often calmed by having an adult
nearby.
Express interest in the child's
activities. Children naturally try
to involve adults in what they are
doing, and the adult is often annoyed at
being bothered. Very young children (and
children who are emotionally deprived)
seem to need much more adult involvement
in their interests. A child about to use
a toy or tool in a destructive way is
sometimes easily stopped by an adult who
expresses interest in having it shown to
him. An outburst from an older child
struggling with a difficult reading
selection can be prevented by a caring
adult who moves near the child to say,
"Show me which words are giving you
trouble?
Be ready to show affection. Some
times all that is needed for any angry
child to regain control is a sudden hug
or other impulsive show of affection.
Children with serious emotional
problems, however, may have trouble
accepting affection.
Ease tension through humor.
Kidding the child out of a temper
tantrum or outburst offers the child an
opportunity to "save face." However, it
is important to distinguish between face
saving humor and sarcasm or teasing
ridicule.
Appeal directly to the child.
Tell him or her how you feel and ask for
consideration. For example, a parent or
a teacher may gain a child's cooperation
by saying, "I know that noise you're
making doesn't usually bother me, but
today I've got a headache, so could you
find something else you'd enjoy doing?"
Explain situations. Help the
child understand the cause of a
stressful situation. We often fail to
realize how easily young children can
begin to react properly once they
understand the cause of their
frustration.
Use physical restraint.
Occasionally a child may lose control so
completely that he has to be physically
restrained or removed from the scene to
prevent him from hurting himself or
others. This may also "save face" for
the child. Physical restraint or removal
from the scene should not be viewed by
the child as punishment but as a means
of saying, "You can't do that." In such
situations, an adult cannot afford to
lose his or her temper, and unfriendly
remarks by other children should not be
tolerated.
Encourage children to see their
strengths as well as their weaknesses.
Help them to see that they can reach
their goals.
Use promises and rewards.
Promises of future pleasure can be used
both to start and to stop behavior. This
approach should not be compared with
bribery. We must know what the child
likes-what brings him pleasure-and we
must deliver on our promises.
Say "NO!" Limits should be clearly
explained and enforced. Children
should be free to function within those
limits.
Tell the child that you accept his or
her angry feelings, but offer other
suggestions for expressing them.
Teach children to put their angry
feelings into words, rather than fists.
Build a positive self-image.
Encourage children to see themselves as
valued and valuable people.
Use punishment cautiously. There
is a fine line between punishment that
is hostile toward a child and punishment
that is educational.
Model appropriate behavior.
Parents and teachers should be aware of
the powerful influence of their actions
on a child's or group's behavior.
Teach children to express themselves
verbally. Talking helps a child have
control and thus reduces acting out
behavior. Encourage the child to say,
for example, 'I don't like your taking
my pencil. I don't feel like sharing
just now."
The Role of
Discipline
[top]
Good discipline includes creating an
atmosphere of quiet firmness, clarity,
and conscientiousness, while using
reasoning. Bad discipline involves
punishment which is unduly harsh and
inappropriate, and it is often
associated with verbal ridicule and
attacks on the child's integrity.
As one fourth-grade teacher put it: "One
of the most important goals we strive
for as parents, educators, and mental
health professionals is to help children
develop respect for themselves and
others? While arriving at this goal
takes years of patient practice, it is a
vital process in which parents,
teachers, and all caring adults can play
a crucial and exciting role. In order to
accomplish this, we must see children as
worthy human beings and be sincere in
dealing with them.
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