"... and for Kyle..."

 statistical state

an inside job

belief system

boundaries

respect - not power & control

self-talk & other ways to chill

compassion

how do I feel?

making peace with what is

negotiating win-win

abundance, not scarcity

unplug emotional buttons

communication for conflict resolution

anger and children

resources

come ashore photo by Artist Unknown

communication for conflict resolution

Here are four key points about respectful communication in conflict resolution:

1.  You have the right to say what you want to say, but you may not do it in an abusive way using intimidating or harsh language.

2.  For communication to be effective, both parties must listen to what the other person is saying; not try only to convince the other of your position.

3.  Good communication requires negotiation and compromise - if one has to win then the other has to lose and the relationship suffers.

4.  No single issue is as important as your overall goal of remaining respectful (non-violent and non-abusive) in your relationships.

With thanks to Dr. Bruce Gregory for this effective plan.

This outlines the steps to a communication cycle from beginning to resolution.

There is a 50-50 responsibility in the communication cycle ...

1)  Listen.  The speaker wishes to be heard ... listened to.

• the speaker shall state his/her intent:  share about the day, share feelings about the relationship, vent, dump, problem solve, provide feedback, seek comfort.

• if the speaker does not state the intent, the listener/responder must ask what it is.

2)  Respond.

• it is important to provide feedback or reassurance or appropriate response to the speaker regardless of what you are feeling.  (i.e.  your spouse may say that your tardiness results in the feeling that he/she is not important to you.  You may feel stress, angry about this perception or frustrated, but that is irrelevant to your response which is to show understanding).

• do not begin to defend your actions, rationalize them or argue your feelings ~ all of that is irrelevant at this moment.

• respond with the appropriate acknowledgement of the speakers' concern:  "I understand that my being late makes you feel like I am disrespectful to you.  I just lose track of time when I am wrapping up my day.  I am sorry this hurts you."  OR "I understand that you are upset because I am late, and I apologize."

3) Find Closure.

• "Do you believe me?"  If yes, done.

• If no, then "What can we do about it now?" If something, define it and agree to it.

• If no, then "What can we do about it in the future?"  Then define it and agree to it.

• If no, then accept that it is as it is in the moment, and cannot be changed.

International Online Training Program On Intractable Conflict

Conflict Research Consortium, University of Colorado, USA

Active listening is a way of listening and responding to another person that improves mutual understanding. Often when people talk to each other, they don't listen attentively. They are often distracted, half listening, half thinking about something else. When people are engaged in a conflict, they are often busy formulating a response to what is being said. They assume that they have heard what their opponent is saying many times before, so rather than paying attention, they focus on how they can respond to win the argument.

Active listening is a structured form of listening and responding that focuses the attention on the speaker. The listener must take care to attend to the speaker fully, and then repeats, in the listener's own words, what he or she thinks the speaker has said. The listener does not have to agree with the speaker--he or she must simply state what they think the speaker said. This enables the speaker to find out whether the listener really understood. If the listener did not, the speaker can explain some more.

Often, the listener is encouraged to interpret the speaker's words in terms of feelings. Thus, instead of just repeating what happened, the active listener might add "I gather that you felt angry or frustrated or confused when [a particular event happened]." Then the speaker can go beyond confirming that the listener understood what happened, and can indicate that he or she also understood the speaker's psychological response to it.

Active listening has several benefits. First, it forces people to listen attentively to others. Second, it avoids misunderstandings, as people have to confirm that they do really understand what another person has said. Third, it tends to open people up, to get them to say more.

When people are in conflict, they often contradict each other, denying the opponent's description of a situation. This tends to make people defensive, and they will either lash out, or withdraw and say nothing more. However, if they feel that their opponent is really attuned to their concerns and wants to listen, they are likely to explain in detail what they feel and why. If both parties to a conflict do this, the chances of being able to develop a solution to their mutual problem becomes much greater.

Growth Climate  the relationship experts

Our greatest desire is to help individuals and couples develop healthy relationships and to teach them how to avoid the pain of harmful ones by helping people identify healthy and unhealthy relationship patterns.

links are not endorsements but are suggested for your consideration in furthering peace and harmony in your world, in your way.  please send your suggestions - contact us.

The Center for Non-Violent Communication helps people connect compassionately with themselves and one another.

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.

~ Yogi Berra

any information which may be provided by way of this site is of an educational nature only. it should not be constituted as professional advice.  All users are urged to consult qualified professionals.